Rounding Third & Heading for Home...

I cannot remember the last time I have been to a professional sports game… I don’t know that I’ve ever been to a Bengals game and the last time I went to a Reds game was probably in high school when I got free tickets for my excellent grades. J I’m not a football superfan… nor a baseball superfan, by any means… but I do have a cute Cincinnati Reds shirt and a Reds Tervis Tumbler that might lead people to believe I actually attend games…

Truth be told, I’ve been avoiding sports stadiums for a long time. If you’ve read my original post titled “Back Story” you know that being fat can prohibit you from doing things that are typically perceived by others as being “fun.” I don’t do Reds games. I don’t go to amusement parks. I forego the yearly “cabrewing” trip with friends…  This Wednesday, however, I will watch the Redlegs take on the Pirates in person.

It sounded like a good idea a few weeks ago when friends from work and I decided to buy tickets. At that time, though, I didn’t have major anxiety about it. Now is a different story! I’m already wondering, “Where will we park? We will have to walk far? Will people stare at my large arms (I’ll be wearing a t-shirt)? Should I bring a sweater to cover my arms? No, it’s 90 degrees outside! Will I be sweating? Will I fit in the seats? How many steps do I have to walk up?” I could go on for days!

The closer it gets to Wednesday, the more I think about cancelling my appearance at the game. I’ve literally played out which excuse would be best… which excuse will be the most believable to my friends? I have school work… I don’t feel good… I hurt my ankle at the gym… I have to show some houses… I have to work late and can’t get out of it… After a talk with my mom and a brief crying session, I decided I will go. I will go and I will walk however far I need to. I’ll sit in the seat and if I’m uncomfortable, so be it. I’ll wear my t-shirt without a sweater and not care if people think my arms are huge. If I sweat, I sweat. I won’t be the first person to sweat at a Reds game!

Luckily for me I have great friends. They are aware of my anxieties and are prepared to deal with them. They’re also prepared to deal with me; prepared to sit in the bleachers if the seats are uncomfortable for me, prepared to walk slower so I don’t feel like I’m falling behind, prepared to assure me that I will, in fact, be ok and more than anything, prepared to tell me “shut up, you’re fine” if my whining gets to an extreme that makes them wish they left me at home. LOL.

Say a prayer to little baby Jesus y’all: if I make it through tomorrow, it will be quite an accomplishment!  

Glass Half Full

     The title of this blog was merely to draw you in... make you think this was going to be a positive post because of my positive outlook on life... Those of you who know me, know I am a "Glass Half Empty" kind of girl. It's often difficult for me not to be the only one invited to my own pity party... and when I am the only one invited, it's hard not to make the party a raging all-nighter!
     I don't usually get in a rut of self-pity, but I have that obsessive personality so that when something bothers me, it's hard for me to let it go... I recently closed the real estate deal from hell. Just when you think you've already met the world's worst real estate agent, along comes this girl. And even though it's been almost a week since I washed my hands of her, she calls me today. Needless to say, I spent my entire boxing session at the gym earlier taking out my rage on her (or a punching bag that slightly resembled her). Kicking her ass was exhausting, but I feel much better.
     The old me (the one who ate too much and didn't work out) would've ate my frustration with her. She would have been the mid-morning full-fat iced latte I purchased from the coffee shop... the side of fries or extra salad dressing at lunch... the afternoon bottle of Mountain Dew and Zero Bar from the gift shop... The chips and salsa at night... To the point where I would eventually say to myself, "Wait, why am I upset again?" In the midst of masking all of my feelings with food, I would often forget the problem.
     I still do this. I still sit there and catch myself wanting to eat something (and sometimes actually eating that something) and thinking, "Why am I eating?" But it's gotten better. It takes a conscious mind-- one that is constantly asking, "Is my stomach hungry or is my brain hungry?" Working out helps. I hate working out probably 75% of the time. And I complain about it. And people are always compelled to say, "Yeah, but don't ya feel great after that workout?" No. I feel sweaty. And hot. And thirsty. And exhausted. But I realize that expelling some of that negative energy can do wonders, just like it did today. That shitty Realtor's face will be forever immortalized in that punching bag-- and I'm ok with that.
     At my heaviest, I was full of excuses not to work out. And I always said, "It's hard to work out when you weigh 400lbs." I always had this vision of being one of those people that gracefully skips around the gym like a fitness fairy, making runs on the treadmill look effortless. I convinced myself that I would feel great. Then I lost 90lbs... and it still sucks. A few weeks ago while doing the ropes at the gym with my trainer, I found myself crying. Crying?!?! Yes, it was a two-minute pity party. I was the only one invited. Without missing a beat, my trainer squashed the tears and said, "Those people who find it easy, aren't getting anything out of it." He's right. You have to make your workouts harder or you won't get anywhere. I made a conscious decision to suck it up. And also to get a new trainer. Just kidding!
     I have been through my handful of trainers... some good, some bad. I am lucky to have found Matt (Matt Noe with Mercy Healthplex Fairfield and FitnessAtYourDoor...shameless plug). So here comes my great advice: If you have a trainer and you aren't being pushed hard enough, get a new one! If you aren't pushing yourself hard enough, take the headphones out of the treadmill TV and plug in Pandora's "Cardio Dance" set! If you're bored with machines, try boxing! If you're scared of Spinning Class, but always wanted to try it, see if the instructor will meet you 15 minutes before to get your bike set-up! Try the pool workouts, try zumba, try yoga, try hiking... try it all. There is something out there for you. And once you find it, develop it. I'm working on boxing lately because there's something about punching things that makes me feel better about myself... it helps me mentally... and that's less money I have to pay my psychologist.

Please share what workouts or activities YOU enjoy!

Some updated Photos (Finally)

^ Benihana in early February with my friend, Pat, for his birthday

 

^My birthday (can you tell?) on March 27, 2013

^ St. Patrick's Day with my friend Becky!

^Recent trip to Siesta Key. Posing with my sister :)

^Another vacation pic from late May, 2013 with my sister

^The before & after. Left is pre-surgery and right is 3 months post-op.

I'm down about another 30lbs since this photo on the right :)